Super Silly Senator

Clearly the United States Senate is not busy enough.

Finding a way out of Iraq must not be challenging enough for elected officials.

Neither is battling drug problems, swelling illegal immigration, teen pregnancy, an inevitible recession, global warming, the Kennedy Assassination, Hannah Montanta, and Big Foot.

Our infrastructure must be perfect. Foreign relations could not be better.

Nope. Our very capable U.S. Senate must have all of those challenges nipped in the bud.

That is the only logical explanation why Senator Arlen Specter (R-Pa.) chose Super Bowl Sunday to announce his investigation into the NFL's response to Sypgate -- the scandal involving the New England Patriots filming opposing coaches to steal signals.

Yes, a man who has spent nearly 30 years in the United States Senate is investigating if the NFL properly punished cheaters. Maybe next, Specter will seek a retroactive punishment against wide receivers who used Stickum to help catch passes.

In a letter to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, Specter wrote, "I am very concerned about the underlying facts on the taping, the reasons for the judgment on the limited penalties and, most of all, on the inexplicable destruction of the tapes."

Let's examine Specter's concerns one at a time. The underlying facts on the taping are quite simple: a coach was trying to help his team win. He had peons in the Patriots organization film opposing coaches and he got caught by a former assistant now with another team who was hip to the practice. Are we clear?

As for the "limited penalties", nothing could be farther from the truth. The $500,000 fine levied against Patriots coach Bill Belichick is the maximum possible penalty. Also, the Patriots must pay an additional $250,000 fine and forfeit their first-round choice in the 2008 NFL Draft -- a first in NFL history. That hardly seems "limited."

And after the NFL confiscated the six tapes from the Patriots and conducted a thorough review of their contents, they were destroyed. Last week, Goodell said, "There are very good explanations why the tapes were destroyed by our staff -- there was no purpose for them." Simply, the Pats got caught. The NFL punished them. Public opinion will decide how history judges their dynasty. End of story.

Hardly. Specter tells ESPN's Bob Ley the investigation could broaden. Says Specter, "We're going to follow the facts and if warranted, there could be hearings." Hearings! As in Senate hearings! As in United States taxpayer dollars funding a charade where self-important Senators drill NFL officials about a game. I know I'll sure sleep soundly tonight knowing these are the people deciding policy that affects my country. Maybe next month the Senate could televise hearings into the inexplicable disappearance of slap bracelets.

Specter claims his investigation is centered around possible Antitrust violations stemming from Spygate. Antitrust laws were put into place to prohibit anti-competitive behavior which hurts businesses or consumers. Spygate hardly seems to have hurt business in the NFL. Maybe Sen. Specter missed the Nielsen Ratings from Super Bowl XLII which estimates more than 97 million people tuned in to the game, making it the second most-watched event in television history -- a game involving those same darn cheating Pats, coincidentially.

I wonder if FOX was upset about collecting $2.7 million per ad during the game.

I doubt QVC felt the pain of unfair competition when more than half of their championship merchandise was sold within 60 seconds of the conclusion of Sunday's game.

And I wonder if the New York Giants felt they were at a disadvantage when they pistol-whipped the Patriots for 60 minutes during the Super Bowl.

So sleep easy tonight, my fellow Americans. Our diligent law makers have solved poverty, homelessness, and gang violence. Terrorism is a thing of the past. High school dropouts are no more. And we know what happened to Natalee Holloway.

The NFL has never been helathier, more popular or more profitable.

And apparently, the U.S. Senate has never had less to do.